Short Stories 2013: LSD with My Progressed Moon in Pisces

LSD with My Progressed Moon in Pisces

I'm placed in this world in one drop.
I anticipated it, but who knew it would be like that.
My pupils were so large.
Didn't they say not look in the mirror?
I didn't know,
But I stared at my eyes for about 20 minutes.
They were huge and
They made me laugh
So I kept going to the mirror to look at them.
My pupils were so large
that I looked like a fish.
My Moon was progressed into Pisces,
I was a fish
On acid.

Short Stories 2013: Cancer and Capricorn

Cancer and Capricorn

You've called me a total of about 6 times in two weeks. I didn't pick up not once. I've been hoping you cut my phone off so I could end a connection with you. Yes, I ignored you on purpose. I won't deny it. I feel like you hinder my progress. I'm transforming you see, and every time the thought of you holds me back. It's who you are. You make me feel like shit. Not alike, but not different. I'm your individualistic counterpart or maybe who you were becoming. I'm going this way and you can't hold me back anymore.

I want to show you who I am. I want you to know who I am. I'm the other side of you, you see? You know me, so why don't you tell me. It's always awkward around you, why don't you just tell me? Instead I sit here with hologram fear holding back who I'm meant to be. Why can't you see that all along this was me.

Or do you deny it so much that you Neptune it? Why can't you just not give a fuck. Okay?

Short Stories 2013: Aquarius Home Living

Aquarius Home Living

"Go away, all of you," I think as I wake up. The talking, the noise, I just can't take. You wake me up every morning talking loud. Do you do this on purpose, really? Just because I sleep on the couch. Jesus, give me a fucking break. And you wonder why I get grouchy sometimes. I have no privacy and I can't sleep. What the hell. I don't even want to talk afterwhile. I just want to hole up and die.

Maybe not  die, but I certainly want to be anywhere but here. I'm claustrophobic, did you know. Yeah. This house makes me feel trapped on the inside and outside. I must break away or I'll fade away. In my bed, I will sleep my life away. Rip Van Winkle part deux. Instead I'll wake to a world filled with floating cars and robots. I would be picked off the street and placed in jail for looking like a crime to society. A loon. But what they wouldn't know is that I slept for 20 years and no one ever wake me up. No one.

But instead, I'm confined here to the chains of family. I hold all the struggles and responsibility close to heart, but sometimes it's a bit too much. I have Aquarius, but I'm also a Cancer with a Libra Rising. There's a lot of shit I have to balance. I'm a fucking juggler and it is indeed a juggling act. But what can I say? It won't do anything, so I don't say anything really. I mean, what can I say? So I stay quiet, eat, shit, smoke, and go to sleep. It's become a routine. I want good vibes, man, peace. Can we just keep it?

Short Story 2013: Living with a Sick Leo

Living with a Sick Leo

It smells putrid in here and I just want to say something, but I don't. I can't let you know that I'm thinking it. You don't want to solve this riddle so I keep my mouth closed. My mood changes as soon as the smell hits my nose. It smells like sickness. It smells like my very sick grandmother before she passed. It smells like dying. And it hurts my soul. I cry for someone I've known my whole life passing. The thought of it sends shivers up my spine. I break down in the chair when you tell me the diagnosis. It's too much to take.

You smell like you're dying and it scares me. What would life be without you? I've never imagined it. I'll keep the fog of Neptune there if that's what it takes. You're looking for herbs and the universe to heal, but will that be enough? Will that be enough to save you? We're having faith in it, but are we really trusting. You can tell by the shiftiness in the air. My mood changes when you walk in the room because of all that energy. It's depressing. It sucks me in when I'm around you. You're losing so much weight. Sooner or later you'll whither away into the wind. Lord help her.

Short Story 2013

Longing

As I pass through the day, I wonder where you are. I wake up, smoke a blunt, look out the window and think of who you might be. I think and I wish and I hope and I pray that one day you'll pass my way. But will I know it's you? What's the feeling like when lightning hits? I don't know, but I hope that I feel it.

I look for you in the sky when I'm walking. Embodying Jupiter and Venus with a smile on my face hoping that it'll attract you to me. Will I be ready? What should I do? Am I even ready for you? Am I even ready for anything? These thoughts run through my head walking part floating objects. Stop. Red light.

I thought I saw you one day where I shop. You had those glasses on with a beanie-like hat. I've seen you before. You are cute, but those words dare leave my lips. Instead I talk to you in a jumble-like form because I'm nervous. Did you understand me when we were talking? I asked for your number and you reluctantly gave it. And that's when I knew deep in my heart that it wasn't you.

I walked out facing a fear even though you rejected me. I actually wanted to be your friend. Damn! "Oh well" I say as I walked down the sidewalk. You're the one that missed out. Or maybe not. But I think it anyway. I texted you despite the lash of rejection. I did it anyway. Of course, you didn't text back. Of course. My mood changes and now I'm looking out the window again. Back to searching the sky. Great.

Full Moon in Virgo

The full moon is in Virgo and I'm setting some intentions.

• To stop criticizing myself so harshly.
• To stop criticizing my art so harshly.
• To stop criticizing everything around me.
• To follow my dreams forreal when I move to NYC.
• To still remain humble through everything.
• To find my new home.
• To find confidence in myself.
• To live MY life the way I see fit.
• To have more faith in myself.
• To have more faith in the universe that everything will turn out just fine.
• To have faith in life.
• To truly be myself and no one else.

What are your intentions?

Pisces Stellium

Ready for the Pisces stellium that's coming up? Are you? Are you? ARE YOU? Wake up! Try to stay grounded. Let Pluto in Capricorn sextiling Saturn in Scorpio be that reality slap you need whenever you feel yourself drift off to imagination land too much. Pisces stellium indicates dreaminess, creativity, forgiveness, love, compassion, but also addiction, wishy washy-ness, and escapism. Do your best to stay grounded funneling your creativity, forgiveness, love, compassion productively. Universal love is high at this time, the vibes are good. Enjoy the waves, but don't get lost in the ocean. Keep swimming, keeping your eyes all around you as it is easy to get washed away at these times. Best of luck!

Here's a song for the Pisces Stellium.

Twin Sister - Lady Daydream

If you forget it all, I will bring it with me.
If you can't find the sea, I will take you there. 

If you forget it all, I will bring it with me.
If you can't find the sea, I will take you there.

Green.
Green, you still know me by name.

Even though I'm losing it doesn't make me a loser, yet.
You still know me by name, Green.
I'll still be Lady Daydream.

Green, you still know me by name.
Green, you still know me by name.

She took it all from me now I can't find my place.
Do you remember me? 
Do you know my face?
It could all be a dream.
It could all be a dream.
It could all be a dream, Green.

Green, it could all be a dream.
It could all be a dream.
It could all be a dream.

Moon in Taurus: My Journey Today

The Moon in Aries had me feeling like shit man, really, like shit. I was talking to my friend about the shit feeling and I was just explaining to him how I feel about being stagnant and not traveling like my 9H stellium wants to. Not transforming like my 1H Pluto wants to. Not being a complete individual like I want to.

But as the Moon moved into Taurus, I've been feeling good. Grounded. My emotions have calmed and I'm able to push aside that stagnant feeling. All of this has allowed me to have a great journey today and I'll tell you about it.

I saw the same butterflies that I always see today, twice.

One flew by as I waiting by the bus stop next to a muslim woman. We kept making eye contact and I think she was waiting for me to talk to her. When I saw the butterfly I thought "I should talk to her." So I turned and it was like she was waiting because she was already looking at me. I started up small conversation and it lead to talking about life and school. Come to find out she's from Pakistan and is here for school on a scholarship. We got on the bus and talked more and we exchanged names. My name is arabic, indicator that I have origins in Islam. She asked me was I muslim.

I said, "I still believe in it. I don't practice that much." She said, "you still have faith and belief in it right?" I said, "yeah." She replied, "then you're still muslim." Her stop came and we said our last few words to each other.

That got me thinking.

I went to the bookstore and went to the metaphysics section. I was reading an astrology book and thinking about it. Maybe I can incorporate Islam in my shamanic practices since it is my core belief. I pondered on that. I was reading a good book about Astrology and the soul and as a Cancer I have to let go of the fear and listen to my intuition and the universes messages. While I was reading it, I kind of knew I was going to meet someone at the section. Actually that was my intention of going to the bookstore in the first place.

Turns out I did. Turns out I've seen this guy at my college before. Turns out he has 4 planets in Cancer and is going through his Saturn Return.
He pulled out a tarot book and I immediately spotted it as I was sitting right in front of the section. I started talking to him and asking him questions. He's been doing tarot for 3 years. He recommended me a book to learn from. He's gay. And the big part of it all is that I'VE SEEN HIM BEFORE. He goes to the same University I went to and we were in the same organization. As soon as he told me, he started becoming familiar. We talked more about tarot and astrology of which he is not that into, but I was talking to him about it anyway telling him about his chart and how he's going through his Saturn's Return. You learn something everyday, right? I asked for his info, said that maybe we could study tarot together and he agreed. We exchanged goodbye's and I left.

I went to apply for some stores afterwards and kind of lucked up because they were all hiring! Let's see if I get hired. I was also thinking about what Omie said, that I choose but I may not want anyone around. It rings so true man! Except this one guy...

After applying to the jobs, I decided to treat myself something to eat. I was going to stick to the tried and true McDonalds, but I thought why not try something new? So I decided to go to a Tex-Mex restaurant and bar. I went in and sat at the bar, and waited to order. There was only one person at the bar and the bartender. I made little conversation with the bartender. He was extremely cute, but I wasn't sure if he was gay or not. So frustrating. He had to be in his 30s though. After our little conversation, I ordered and then made conversation with the lady at the bar. Her and I started talking about the food and then somehow it all led to us talking about traveling to places and where we've been to. 9H baby. I told her about living in LA of which she always wanted to visit, but never had the chance to. I think I might be the catalyst of that trip because she had her doubts, now she really wants to go. She then talked about her experiences in NY which is the next place I want to live for awhile. She told me about the gay area and how people were all cool as hell and whatnot. I told her about my philosophies on traveling and experiencing new things and she was all for it. She said, "Hell yeah! Shit, you're young. Do it! This is the time for you to do it. Go out and experience things. You're a handsome young man, you can take over the town." Her sister called her eventually which cut our conversation short. No one else was at the bar and my food came so I just ate. As I was eating I kept making eye contact with the cute bartender. I didn't know if he was looking or if I was looking, but somehow our eyes kept leading back to each others. Every time he came around the bar he was looking at me, but  I couldn't figure out if I was just in his line of sight or what. He kept coming up and asking was the food alright after the prolonged eye contact. If I think you're cute and you're looking at me, I seriously can have a staring contest with you if I'm feeling up to it. 1H Pluto. I'm learning how to smile more now though so hopefully that disarms people. He eventually had to clock out his shift. In that time I found out he's also a musician which explained his eccentricness. Then he left.

Maybe I missed my chance? What if that was a hint to keep the conversation going? I don't know, but I do plan to go back sometime soon. Order a drink because I'm sure I could've gotten away with it. This time, I'll talk to him more.

That was my journey for today. These butterflies man, I love them. It's always the same color butterfly! I made some new friends and connections today. I love talking to people, you know? You learn something new. You grow. I love the exchange of experiences and ideas especially if they challenge your own in a way. Or just simply get you thinking deeply. The lady at the bar got me thinking that maybe it's time for me to move to NY for a bit. The other day I had a dream I was living there. So maybe it's time for me to experience that. I decided I'm going to live there this summer and come back when summer is over just so I can get a taste of it. I've been thinking where do I want to build my life and my business in. LA or NY? I've lived in LA and now it's time for me to experience NY. So I'm moving there this summer after my birthday. I will and I am. I'm also excited I made a new tarot buddy who's also a major Cancer! That's another thing. I keep meeting Cancer's and people who are going through their Saturn Return's lately. I feel like I teach these people something especially the Saturn Return peeps. I ask them if they're going through some changes, hard times and the answer is always yes. My reply in turn is always, you're going through your Saturn's Return and I proceed to tell them what that is all about.

All in all, I love people, I love helping people, and I love sharing my ideas and philosophies. They are a big part of who I am. The good part about it is that even though I may not like other's philosophies sometimes, I still listen to them. I think that's a big part of sharing and a big part of contributing to the world and experiences. You learn, experience, and journey further with each day. Living in the now is preparing for the now and for the future.

Valentine's Day

Supposedly, this is a good time to find our soulmate or whatever. I'm not holding my breath. Love predictions never work with me.

Happy Valentine's Day everyone.

Venus Opposite Neptune

I hold back from you
in fear of getting hurt
My emotions
ebb and flow with the tide
on a full moon's night
I don't know if it's you that I want
Or I just like being adored.

Something I wrote in while I was with JS, the scorp, in November. Honestly, it wasn't him that I wanted. So I had to leave.

Thoughts

"You're a sauna/jacuzzi. Some people will love you. Some people won't. That's life. Just love who you are. I like jacuzzi's! Seriously. I'll stay in a jacuzzi all day and it feels weird when you get out because it just feels different, ya know?"

That's something I just said to my Leo Sun, 8H Cancer Moon, Sag Rising friend when I was telling her about how her emotions are and who she is. Giving her a quick astrology reading. She's been having hard times navigating her emotions and recently had done something to harm herself and has been thinking about getting medicated which I'm trying to advocate against. It's ironic because when I first started taking astrology real seriously I had did her chart for her, but I didn't actually pay attention that her Moon is Cancer too. It all made sense after that. Which is why we have the same problems. Which is why she's so mood swingy. Which is why she always gets really down and depressed. I've been trying to uplift her for the longest and it was sad to see because we both confided in each other about our problems, but over time I've gotten better at navigating my emotions and learning how to deal with them while she's stuck, letting the intensity make her fear them. Fear life. I understand her because I have a Cancer Moon as well, you see? I know how it is. I KNOW. Plus, I have a Cancer stellium all in a tight conjunction. Cancer/Moon/Venus.  I know my crab, but she doesn't know hers. So I had to break it down for her:

"Your Moon is in Cancer which explains your mood swings. My Moon is in Cancer too which is why I can easily relate. Moon in Cancer is in it's right place and that just means we're very fucking moody, sensitive, emotional, mood swing-y, and quite frankly pretty loony. Honestly, you don't need pills, you just need to learn how to navigate your emotions. As the Moon changes phases, so does your emotions. Moon in Cancer is in it's home, it's rightful place as the Moon rules Cancer. That means that you're going to have incredible mood swings due to the phases of the Moon and even bouts of insecurity. You just need to learn how to go with the flow instead of fight it. That's how I'm able to get better. It might be more easier for me because I have 3 planets in Cancer and I'm a Cancer myself. It's hard for you because you have more fire than me in your chart than I do. Plus, you're a Leo, you want to be sunny. Unfortunately to do this, you just have to ebb and flow with your emotions. For christ sakes, stop closing yourself in. Stop it! It only makes things worse, TRUST ME. You have to open up to feel secure, you have to or you'll stay depressed. Think about what's making you moody and use your Leo Sun's dramatics to act it out. Act out how you feel, say how you feel, go with the flow of how you feel and don't hold back and I promise you things will get better. Who gives a shit what other people think, forreal, who gives a shit. As long as you won't hurt yourself anymore because you're barring yourself inside your emotions and letting them drive you nuts. Trust me I know you know I know. I'm a big fucking crab myself but I learned that I just have to ride the tides, man, and let it pass. If it's something I feel, I feel it completely. I cry, I call a friend and talk about it or sulk for a bit but try to stay active, make myself laugh. I funnel it through creative methods and that's what you need to do. Stop hiding from your emotions and become one with them because they are you. You can't hide from them, they are you. Stop being afraid to talk about them because it only hinders and isolates you from the ones you love. Honestly, it's not them. It's you. And now you have the power to change it. Find a way to funnel your emotions productively that way you can ebb and flow with them and be able to get through them while doing something productive and not have them totally depress you. Pushing away your emotions is definitely not going to work. Pushing your emotions back is just going to make them snap harder than they intended. WAY HARDER! Cancer is a crab and it's snappy and it won't be afraid to snap. And Cancer hates being neglected. Hates it! Cancer needs to be nurtured and nurturing. It's the sign of the "Mother". You need to nurture and mother your feelings as soon as they appear because a neglected mother becomes depressed and a bit spiteful. Also mothering those around you makes you feel better too. Don't deny this side of you anymore. In plus it's in the 8H which means intensity! INTENSE. Your emotions are fucking intense so you need to deal with them as soon as you can or cause a massive destructive flood. Cancer is a water sign, it needs to flow. Don't stop the flow because it'll build up and eventually break down the walls you've been building up against them and out comes calamity. Water is powerful! Noah's Ark. Moses. Tsunami's. Water is powerful. Think of that when you feel your emotions. Act them out, nurture them, don't neglect them. Make steam with your Leo Sun. It'll get hot in here but everyone will feel better at the end especially with your funny Sag rising. No more neglecting and nurturing! Cancer hates neglection! We need love. Love thy self. I'm glad you know what to do now :) The water doesn't always have to put out the fire. It can make steam that everyone will love. Because face it, who doesn't love sauna time or a Jacuzzi? Your ego is fire (Leo) and your emotions are water (Cancer). Face your immense intense emotions and mood swings (Cancer) and let them transform you (8H Moon) to a better person and happier, sunnier you (Leo) as you get closer to knowing who you are. There's nothing wrong with emotions, trust me, I love mine now. It just means we are human. Our feelings are REAL."

Then we proceeded to talk about Justin Bieber. Honestly, I'm glad I was finally able to pin the source down for her and tell her exactly what's going on. Before all I could do was try to give her uplifting advice and be there for her, but I'm glad I was able to convince her to take astrology serious and listen to what I had to say. She doesn't believe in astrology, but I had to tell her that contrary to belief, it's a tool from God that helps journey in our life to find out who we are and our path. At the end of my spiel, I got her to actually understand and she actually knew what I meant by what I was saying. She completely grasped the concept and that made me feel really good. It makes me feel like I'm actually starting to get the hang of this. At first I've been really hesitant to try to piece astrology all together when giving advice to people and explaining things, but I'm surprising myself lately. All this learning has really payed off and I'm surprised. A few days ago I tested myself by writing down what I know about the planets, houses, and aspects, and it was actually more on point than I thought it would be! I even drew a couple of charts by hand, placing planets, and drawing aspects and all. It was actually fairly easy. I seriously don't give myself enough credit. Trust me I have more to learn, but I'm proud that I'm able to speak and regurgitate what I know back out. That means that I am actually learning. 3H Uranus Capricorn baby. Teaching myself is really working with the help of elsaelsa.com

I'm really happy that I'm on the right path with this. I'm not that good and I'm not going to act like I'm the shit because I'm not. I still have a lot to learn. But I'm proud of where I'm at right now and the progress I've made from when I first started. This is something I really want to do as a part of my career and it feels good to know that I'm somewhat on the right track. It feels good to know that I can help with my services(Jupiter in Virgo), and that's all I want to do. Really. I want to help the universe and the people inhabiting it. And that is everyone.

Astrology Talk Radio

Hey check out yesterday's astrology radio talk with two people that I have come to know. :)

Very engaging. Excellent advice, insight, and loads of laughs. I'm even on the show!

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/nota-tirem/2013/02/09/love-is-in-the-air-with-nota-and-jason

Be sure to tune in every Friday to check them out and feel free to join in! 

Living Life Day to Day

Life is never promised or granted and can be taken away in an instant. Tomorrow. Next week. 2 years from now. I know this, we all know this. It's becoming more evident with Saturn in Scorpio. Death happens everyday, yes, but with Saturn in Scorpio it's hitting closer to home. I'm used to this as many people I know, friends, family members, acquaintances, even people I don't know but have saw, pass in my life. I'm used to death and I'm not afraid. Not just the dying of life, but also, of old habits, toxic things in us and in our environment. Saturn is now removing all of this (Scorpio), it just so happens the people we know are leaving us in the process. 

Recently, a few people I have known pretty much all my life have died very suddenly (Uranus). Same for other people I know and have heard. It's all hitting closer and closer. It's very sad. A few years ago my sister, a Mega Leo, was diagnosed with cervical cancer at the age of 27. When she found out it was a very severe case and she had to get intensive chemotherapy and radiation to remove it. If she hadn't found out when she did, she would not be here today. I spent my whole summer devoting my time to making sure she was okay and staying in the hospital with her. Her shine was dimming and she became very depressed. I was there to witness all of this and be there for her whenever I could. It was a really emotional, scary, hard time for all of us but she was able to make it through. After she was done and made a recovery, she moved to LA and made the decision to live her life the way she saw fit regardless of what anyone thought. Well, the way she wanted to live wasn't very suited for a life to live. So everyone thought, me included. We thought that she should be doing something else with her life other than what she was doing because she was given a second chance. But it's her life, you know? I moved to LA some time after and was able to witness everything, and yeah, she was not living healthy and even though she was living her life, it was taking a toll. 

After some time I moved back home and then she followed suit. She came back to get a checkup. She had been having problems with her bowels and whatnot. Everyone was convincing her to come back and get checked up in case it was something, but at first she wasn't listening. She was ignoring it and putting it off as long as she could hoping that she didn't have to face the problem (Neptune). But she had to. She came back home and found out that her cancer is back(Saturn in Scorpio). She was faced with choices: either get surgery to remove it, get chemo, or don't do anything at all and risk it spreading. If she gets surgery they will have to remove her liver, intestines, and vagina. She will have to have to wear two colostomy bags and will have to pass bowel movements through her belly button. She will not be able to have sex either. She already can't have kids because they had to take her lymph nodes out when she first got surgery for cancer. All this can take a toll on someone. Especially someone who is now 31 and still young. And it can take a toll on their family. 

She had time to make her decision. During that time she has been going the herbal route and spiritual route to fighting the cancer. She heard how my stepmom who recently had breast cancer, has been taking these herbal pills and have been feeling loads better than when she was doing chemo and radiation. She decided to do this and also has been meeting up with a herbal doctor drinking elixers and mixes and doing meditation with him. She's glowing and finding happiness within herself during these hard times(Saturn). A few days ago she had to make the decision. She chose not to get the surgery and the doctor told her that she will have 2 years to live. When she told me this I couldn't help but break down. I have been trying to be so strong for her and everyone, but that hit me. It struck my heart and soul. I couldn't help my emotions(Moon). I have Cancer, goddamit. I cried at the thought of losing my sister. Someone who I've grown up with my whole life. Yeah, I've seen death, but it never hit THIS close to home. And that's just hitting too fucking close. For the past few days, everytime I think about the thought of that it would instantly cause me to tear up or cry. But as I have been finally able to open up to people and tell them about the struggle, it has gotten better. I feel supported and loved. Strength. Strength for my family. For me. For my sister who needs it the most. 

You know, I've been thinking for so long during these hard times(Saturn) that I just wish I had someone special to talk to. That special person that can hold me while I'm telling them about my worries about this and be able to support me. That special person I can talk to when I feel my back is against the wall. Someone to love me for me and give me strength during these hard times while I'm being strong for everyone else. My Libra and Cancer wants this. But I'm realizing now that I don't need it to feel supported. I did a reading for myself the other day and I pulled a card, I can't remember, but the card said to accept help whenever I can. To just accept it and allow it in my life. I have my friends for this and anyone who is willing to lend a sympathetic ear. Talking to my friends and other people about my struggle has truly given me strength, support and courage to face this with my sister and family as we kick ass. And I'm so thankful for it. Love will find me when it's time.

I'm so proud of my sister for making the decision she has made. From your point of view it may not be logical or it may be the same decision you choose. But I'm proud she's following her heart and choosing for herself. When she first found out she had cancer, she didn't have a choice. She had to. Now she has a choice. She's going to face this (Scorpio) and hopefully live to tell the story (Saturn). She doesn't want the surgery because she doesn't want to suffer. She feels she has suffered enough and having all of that at a young age, she wouldn't be able to do the things she wants to do. She would rather suffer and be happy than suffer and be depressed. She has faith that it'll go away by God's will and the universe. Let's face it, doctor's aren't always right. They can't always play God and expect results because it just doesn't happen that way. They are not God. They are only here to help cure if they can. If she got surgery there would be a 50% of her living, so it's like what's the point anyway? She's planning to make the most out of her life now on and be happy, living every moment to the fullest because the future isn't promised and she knows this, she realizes this. She may only have 2 years to live. I love my sister. I support her in her decision and I'm just glad she's finally finding happiness through this rough tumultuous time. As long as she's happy and living right now. That's all that matters is the right now. Right now she just wants to be the best daughter, sister, cousin, aunt, friend that she can be.

I've never really fully understood or grasped the concept of living life in the moment until now. I was always susceptible to stress of the future and what I don't have. Always worrying and down about not having what I want. Now I'm saying fuck that. I can't be down about every little thing, I can only improve to make things better. It may be little by little, but at least gradually things will get better. There's bigger things in life to worry about and my sister proves that. You can't stress about the small shit, ya know? That's not living. That's worrying, being pessimistic. I choose to be optimistic. I choose to live my life the way I see fit. I'm still young. This is my time to make mistakes and even though I feel like an old soul, I have to remind my self to relax and that I'm still young. I'm only fucking 20! My life is not going to be perfect right now and it probably won't ever be, but as long as I'm happy and living, that's all that should matter. So, fuck it. I'll sleep on the couch just so my sister can have a bed to sleep on. I'm going to explore and adventure. I'm going to love hard and wear my heart on my sleeve because that's just who I am. I'm going to do what I want to do and say what I want to say because I'm real. I'm finding myself out right now and I'm loving every part, even the dark parts. You have to expose the dark parts to shed light on them. I'm going to be the best I can be and always be on pursuit of my destiny. I'm going to give back to the community and help people journey through this life. I hope to touch someone's life and be a catalyst to the change they need to make. I see the best in humanity. I'm going to do all of this because this is my life and I'm going to live it. I'm not afraid of death, no, what I'm afraid of is not doing something positive and not leaving a positive mark in this world. Not living the life I'm meant to live and not changing myself and others for the better in the process. That's what I'm afraid of.

My Love Life

I haven't been blogging lately, I'm sorry.

I met a Pisces a few days ago, really cute and we had really great conversations. 29 Degree Gemini Moon, Aries Venus, Gemini Mars. Sun trine Moon. I thought we had something going, a good affinity. We had the same views and a similar hobbies.

One night my battery died and I put my phone and the charger and decided to study tarot while it charged. It took about 2 hours to get my phone and text him back. We were talking about traveling. He never texted back which was odd because we both told each other we sleep pretty late. I knew he was up, but I let it go because he's not obligated to txt me. I'm not his and he is not mine. Yesterday, I texted him and we texted a little bit. I said "you fell asleep early last night" he said "yeah around midnight" which is the time I texted him. So I thought, I knew you saw me text you and you ignored it. I didn't say anything because I'm trying not to let my Pluto out so early anymore. It scares people away so I just rolled with it. Then he stopped texting me. I thought, okay he's busy he'll text me later. Later I went to Subway and since we were talking about it yesterday and I was feeling spontaneous, I decided to call him. He didn't answer. Okay. So I let time go by, no message back no call back. Nothing. I being the persistent person that I am, Mars in Taurus, I texted him a few hrs later. Still  no reply back. It's today and still nothing! I'm left wondering did I do something wrong? What the fuck just happened? Does he not want to talk to me anymore? Did he just swim away from me? I'm a little sad about this because everytime I like a Pisces that I like we always have a great connection, natural affinity, awesome chemistry, but they always end up swimming away from me. Why? Am I just too much for them?

So now still not reply and I'm just left here. Yesterday I had a dream about JS, the scorpio, and I texted him today. It was a good dream. He asked what happened. I told him that I saw his face, he was smiling. And it must've been a good dream because I didn't wake up repulsed and hating him. Am I stuck with this guy? Is he ruining my chances of finding someone who isn't crazy and who I will actually like? Ugh.

My love transits so don't stay in tonight if I'm looking for love. I'm going to a hockey game tonight. let's see what happens.

New Years

As the end of the day comes, and I'm listening to Warpaint I'm reflecting on this year and hoping for a better future.

This past year was Pluto for me. A big revelation, a big transformation. So many changes that needed to be made have been made and are being made still as Saturn is transiting my 1H. I am thankful for life, my family, friends, and our old teacher Saturn. The Year of the Dragon treated this Monkey pretty good. So many things began this year and are taking place, flourishing.

I look back to the beginning of this year when I was in my dorms, smoking marijuana, practicing playing bass, living in Neptune land wanting to pursue my dream of moving to Los Angeles and finding a band. During that time I changed my sexual orientation again and proceeded to try to be "straight". So living in Neptune land, smoking Mary J, I had this big dream ever since I was a kid to be a rockstar and I was determined to make this happen since I was not really focused on school. So I barely went to classes, smoked and played bass telling myself I'd move to LA soon. Eventually the result of me not going to classes was a low gpa and getting kicked out of the dorms, put on academic probation. At that point I said fuck school, I got my tax refund and moved to LA, May 5th, and lived with my Aunt and Cousins.

While there I was immersed in the heart of LA. It was all that I dreamed of. I loved it. I smoked, I drank, lived life but I was still hiding myself and it made my anxiety high. I also started to get more in depth with my spiritual side and astrology. I had develop bad anxiety in college you see when I decided I was "straight", it was from trying to be a certain way and wondering everyone saw past my facade. So one day I was smoking in the morning with my cousin, the same month I moved there, and I couldn't take it. My anxiety kicked in and I was tripping out. I went to the restroom and had a huge panic attack and it resulted in me not being able to see. I told my cousin I couldn't see and to call the ambulance. I went to the emergency room. When I got there my cousin asked me was I gay, and I told her yeah. She asked is that why I was doing all this, I said I think so. I "queened" out. It was very dramatic in a quiet way, yes.

Ever since then I started coming out to my family, and truly living my life. I was starting to be happy with myself. I accepted who I was and lived. I started to get deeper into spirituality and astrology, actually looking in depth to my chart. I found my soul mates in LA, 2 guys of whom I'll never forget because they helped spark a change in me for the better. A Gemini whose birthday was only a month before mine exactly and a Pisces. I fell instantly in love with both, I miss both. I miss the Pisces guy way more. He showed me true romance and love. I left the same day we, Pisces and I, hung out together for the first time. I cried when I left him and when back in TX. He showed me love that in the smallest form can mean a thousand words.

When I came back things were different, I was more able to deal and find my way. I stumbled upon a great astrology blog by one of my favorite astrologists now, Elsa P. Great woman. She's now my astrologist and I got a consult from her and it's given me the keys for the near future.

I hope all goes will this year with the world and myself, my family, my friends, my future love. I hope 2013 is another great year, spiritually and this time materialistically.

Happy New Years

Happy New Years to the world on this glorious Leo Moon! From the bottom of my heart. I hope we all have a great 2013. There's a change in the air, and I hope it's a great one! Peace and Love to all my fellow inhabitants of the Earth. May good things all go in our favor. :)

Today Today Today

The Moon began it's first stages in Leo today. I worked, it was a very slow day. It was my first time working on a Sunday and obviously it's dead on Sunday's. So I was pretty much bored out of my fucking mind and thinking about everything. I even almost started crying thinking about love. I almost started crying twice. I had my own concert at work as well. The Moon in Leo was definitely a way to describe today, dramatic to say the least. That's pretty much what I did all day at work, play the piano and had concerts all around the building I mean dancing singing and everything. I even acted out some parts while exploring the building. When boredom strikes.

When it got closer to the time around that I was supposed to close, I invited a new friend I had meet to come over and keep me company basically. Interesting guy, gay, 23. I never asked him his sign or birthday or anything, but I knew he had to be a Scorpio, Leo or Virgo. It was something about his eyes. It was definitely his eyes. They were magnetic and different. And he had that Leonine look to him. I asked him did he have contacts on or was he high or what. It was just something about his damn eyes. They were magnetic, probey. He even did the probe squint. I know that squint all too well. So anyway we were talking and everything. He likes to talk, I like to talk. He asked for a tour and I gave him a tour. So right when I'm giving him a tour, my mom turns the corner. See, somehow I knew this would happen. I knew If he came, somehow my mom was going to come in the picture. Anyway she comes walking down the sidewalk, and while she's walking we get stopped by a photographer and she asks to take a picture of us. My mom walks by after the picture is done and asks her is the guy I'm giving a tour of an artist, she tells her she doesn't know. My friend, Tre, is obviously gay so I know my mom's mind was spinning in circles wondering if he was hitting on me or my boyfriend because I can't have a guy friend without someone assuming they're interested in me or if we're fooling around. Oh God, I'm rolling my eyes at this thought.

Anyway, I give him a tour and after the tour we go back to the main building. When we get to the main building, we start talking about a lot of subjects and we get on religion. Never fails. I asked him if he goes to church every weekend and we talk about church and he asks me do I go to church. I tell him I'm Muslim, but more spiritual. He never had a Muslim friend before and so we start talking about Islam, and different religions. We're sitting down, chopping it up, and my mom walks in and he says to me that he wants to ask her questions, but when she came back to our area. So we talk some more and he proceeds to tell me that not too long ago, a lady pushed a Muslim guy in front of a subway in New York because he was Muslim and she doesn't like Muslims.

WHAT THE FUCK.

How crazy is that? Just because you don't like that religion you end someone's life? Fucking crazy mate. She's in jail now and will spending a lot of time. She's a loon. A religious zealot. I can see if he was trying to bomb the suicide since Muslims are always associated with terrorism. Rolls eyes again. But he wasn't. There's actually nothing to justify that. She's just fucking crazy ya know? There's crazy people in the world.

Anyway, my mom comes back down. She works at my job too. She's been working there since I was 5 and I've been in the after school arts program there since I was 5. So she comes back down and I tell her Tre wants to talk to her about Islam. They start talking and he asks her questions and everything then she leaves. I tell him that the other day someone asked to pray for me. See my previous post Praying for Lost Souls. Well I tell him about this story and he tells me that people try to pray over him all the time, his family, the church. They pray over him to try to remove his homosexuality. He said he actually came back from getting prayed over today before he came over. The minister asked him to come to the stage and raise his hands and close his eyes, he did. Next thing you know the minister said, "I remove this homosexuality spirit from this man." My jaw dropped.

My jaw completely dropped and all I could say was WOW. All I could mouth were the words WOW. He did this in front of everyone. Tre said he was a little embarrassed, everyone in the church knew already but still so he left. He had to go, that was just too much for him. That would be too much for me. He said his family members do that to him as well, pull him over to the side and ask to pray for him. He said he says sure, but he doesn't need the "homosexual spirit" to get banned out of him because it is no spirit! He said he says thanks for praying, but he can pray for his damn self. He's funny.

Eventually we get on astrology because I just can't help myself to know what sign he is. It was something about his eyes. I ask him what's his sign, Leo or Virgo? He says no, look. He proceeded to show me a tattoo on his arm. It was Scorpio's symbol. ♏. I knew it right when I saw it. I told him I knew it, that's why I asked him about his eyes! He asked me more about my knowledge in astrology and I gladly tell him. I even did his chart. He's a Scorpio/Libra cusp. He asked what that meant and I told him. Come to find out he was a Leo ascendant, and a Leo Moon! I knew it he had some Leo, he had the Leonine look, the mouth, the face. I'm getting better at this.

We talk way past the time I close, and he walked with me while I closed down. He's a great conversationalist. You know Scorpio's can to the bottom of things, they can especially if they have someone to talk to who is as equally introspective and intelligent. He's a double major in Criminology and Psychology. Scorpio.

Last night something happened with another Scorpio, my neighbor, someone I grew up with who's 2 years younger than me. I went to his house to ask to borrow his ipod charger because my sister asked me too. I have Libra, I'm innately nice, sometimes, so I said okay. I knocked on the door, I hear rustling and he asks me who is it. I say my name, 5 seconds he opens the door...with briefs on. I look down, laugh and look away and he does a nervous laugh. I ask him what I came for, and we exchange a few words and then I leave. I couldn't help walking away feeling like that was a flirtatious past he did. See I know this dude is gay, it's obvious, and I grew up with him. He was always feminine. Anyway, I was going to offer this dude some guidance, be his mentor because I know the ropes somewhat and I'm still learning. I was going to give him my number and tell him that he can talk to me about anything, ANYTHING. You know. But after all that, I've been feeling a little iffy. So I asked Tre, a fellow Scorpio, would he have done that. I played the whole scenario out to him and asked him what did he think it was. He said that it can go either way, but still try to be his mentor. It's a good thing I'm trying to do so continue to try. I will. I feel that I have to.

We started talking about sexuality, and he told me something I've never heard from his psychology class. He told me a man can have sex with a man, but doesn't make him homosexual. That means he just likes to have sex with a man. I tried to debate this, he won. We both have Leo and Libra. He said sexual orientation is different from sexual preferences. He said he can have sex with a woman, but that doesn't make him straight. You're homosexual and heterosexual when you long to have an emotional connection with that gender. I thought this was very interesting.

We talk some more and eventually part ways. He's a very cool guy to have as a friend, I plan to spend more time with him. I see us become very close in the future. Today was a slow, insightful, interesting day.

My Chart

Here's an in depth look at my chart to get a better feel for me.

The most prominent formations you can see:
2 Grand Trines in Earth.
Stellium.
Fixed T-Square.
Kite Configuration.
Mystic Rectangle.

I'm still trying to figure it all out in my real life. I'm taking it day by day, but I don't let it rule my life. That's when things get crazy. Astrology is only a way to better understand yourself, and sort of a map to your life. But you are the explorer who's holding the map, remember that. You still have a way to take direction in your own life. Your map and God are the way to find your destiny.

Full Moon in Cancer

Tonight's the last night the Moon is in Cancer for this cycle. Did you enjoy it?

With the Moon in my Moon's Natal position, compared to yesterday when the Moon was full I felt like shit, but today was actually a pretty great day. I had deja vu today about that religious experience. So I feel like I'm actually on the right track. I'm still learning as is everyone in this thing called life, but I never take it for granted anymore. Life is for us to experience and enjoy, why not enjoy it? I'm glad I started this blog with the Moon in Cancer. It only felt right. I plan to write blogs everyday and soon video blogs on my feelings, thoughts as the planets transit through my chart, my life and as the Moon phases through the zodiac. Being a Moonchild, I have 12 moods that correspond to the Moon phases. The person who can handle that and stabilize me will be my saving grace. Moon in Cancer, see you until next time, my Mother.

Praying for Lost Souls

So today I was giving a tour to 3 women at my current gig job. I'm a docent, I give tours of the community and art exhibits. 1 woman was from South Africa, I'll call her Liz. 1 woman was from Bryan, I'll call her Jesse. 1 woman was from here, I'll call her Prisc. So these women came right around closing time and I told them I would give them a tour. What the hey, I'm about to close anyway. So I'm giving the tour, talking to them about the history and everything. They ask me my name, I tell them. Prisc proceeds to ask me where does my name come from and what does it mean. I tell her it's arabic for handsome and the one who puts things in order. She ask me do I have roots in arabic, I tell her my family is Muslim and I grew up muslim. She ask do I still believe. I tell her, I do believe but I'm becoming more shamanistic, more spiritual. We talk some more and I invite them to the art performance that's going on tonight about Black Jesus and the Devil. I tell them about the artist who's playing the psychologist and how she believes in Jesus but then turns around and goes to the Devil. While I explain this , I see Liz's face kind of light up and her mouth kind of go in a position to where she was itching to say something. But she didn't.

So after the tour is done, we're laughing, I tell them about the performance that's going down tonight in one of the houses, we reintroduce ourselves again. They ask me how to spell my name and everything, then they about to go. But before they go, Liz asks me can she pray for me so I can find my way. I tell her I do still believe in God and everything, but she insists on praying. I accept, and she takes my hand I close my eyes and she says something along the lines of "God please pray for this man as he journey along his path trying to find his way. Lord Jesus..." That's all I can remember for the most part. Afterwards I told my friend what happened and he told me "be careful who you allow to pray for you...Even the devil was an angel once.. Sad but true my friend." And that really got me thinking, is that true?

Things like that are not new to me at all. Growing up muslim and working at jobs where I deal with the public(Leo Merc/Chiron in the Midheaven), I'm always put in these situations. Somehow we get on the subject on religion because of my name, my beliefs or just something and someone always ending up praying for me. This has never failed. 9H stellium, I can't get away from it.

Most people don't understand other religions so when you tell them you're a different religion from, they feel you're lost. Most people, for lack of better words, are ignorant to other religions so they feel theirs is the best way and do all the can to convince you of this. If you are still not swayed, then you're just lost and won't be saved. Whatever. I have never been one to have been swayed of my beliefs only if I sway myself. Despite how many times I have people pray over me, I have never let them sway me.

One time when I was a teenager, 17, at work a group from the local church came in my job. I was always put in the front because that's where I worked best. Anyway, they came in and I don't know how we got on the subject of religion it just always happens like that. I think they asked us to come visit their sermon that night, they asked my religion, I told them I was Muslim and I don't know how it lead to it but again, it always does, they asked to pray for me. It was +10 people praying for me in a circle, I went along because I always do. I always let people pray for me. Prayer is a powerful thing. But I still had my same beliefs at the end of the day.

In college I was walking to my friends dorm from my dorm, next thing you know this guy stops to talk to me and ask me have I found Jesus. This guy, I think, was the minister at the college's church group at the religious center which my dorm was directly across from. Me, with my beliefs, I told him I was Muslim. After I told him that, I could not shake this guy. I told this guy I had to leave so many times but he insisted on talking to me. It was like being harassed. He talked to me for pretty much an hour and we were going back and forth. Before I left though, he told me at night before I go to sleep pray to Jesus and ask him to show himself. If I see him then that's my answer. He's real. If I don't then I go on about my business. Well curiously that night I tried this and he didn't show up. So a month or so pass and I run across the guy again, and he's with a girl this time. He asks me did I see him and I say no. We talk a little more, he invited me to come to a sermon that night. After that I never saw the guy again.

Next year, semester, whatever, some guys were stopping people doing surveys. Of course it was on religion, of course they called me over, of course I don't deny an experience or a chance to chat, Leo Merc-ing it up. So I sat down with them and they asked me did I believe in Jesus and I explained my views. He asked me questions, and I gladly answered.

Jehovah's Witness knock on my door all the time. I talk to them too.

My father is an Imaam, a Muslim preacher, so I had certain religious views installed in me. Even though I am branching off on my own, I still believe in them still recall on them. 9H stellium again. So I'm always up to explain my different views. I'm always up for a religious debate even when I don't feel like it. It's innate.

I ultimately feel like every religion is the pretty much the same, so I never got the division. Yes we have our different beliefs on how to get there, but we all believe in some form of God don't we? Heaven, Hell, the Devil don't we? As it all boils down to it, we all believe and have the same destiny pretty much. Others karmas might not get them to certain places, but we're all on this Earth searching for the truth. I believe religion is a form of division. Different groups believing in the same thing, but slightly different coming together to vibe off this idea and rise together. There's always going to be division in this world, it's inevitable.

I plan to travel the world when I get older and get into theology more. I want to learn about different cultures and religions. One of my passions, dreams, so innate.

When my sister was first diagnosed with cervical cancer, she had to go to the emergency room. She was in immense pain and I accompanied her. She was given a wheelchair when we arrived and I had to explain what was going on. She was like in immense pain, it scared everyone. After explaining what was happening to the people at the desk, I went back to my sister. When I went to her she told me this lady passed by her and asked to pray for her. My sister said she actually felt a little better when the lady finished, she was very thankful. Someone actually prayed over her, and left. I never even got a chance to see this woman.

Prayer is powerful.