Finding Love

You'll come to know that finding love is a big part of my life. I'm A Libra Ascendant  with Scorpio on the cusp, a 9H Cancer Stellium(Sun/Moon/Venus), Juno in Taurus Conjunct Mars. So yeah love is very important to me. Funny thing is I can't seem to find it! I just want a partner(asc/juno) that I can journey(9H stellium) on this life with. I just can't seem to find the right guy. And no matter how hard I try, he just doesn't come. I only attract guys who are bad for me, and run off guys who will probably be good for me.

Every time I try to get something going it just never happens. My Uranus(9Hstellium opposing) get's in the way and prevents people from getting close to me. I always run across guys who I have to be the parent with and never get the same reciprocation back. I talk about love so much, and give others advice on love but honestly I never really experienced it myself. How come? Because I'm scared of the shit! I'm scared of getting hurt and dealing with heartbreak. I've dealt with it before but it was in a long distance relationship. Now imagine if I were to really have a real relationship and I end up getting hurt...it would be hell. And that's what I'm afraid. When I find someone I want him to be mines forever, my soulmate. I want to spend my life with him and only him. Journey across the world together, grow up together, experience things together, love each other, care for each other. The works.

I hope I don't sound conceited when I say this, but I can attract people to me. The problems with either them not being what I'm looking for, the being really bad for me, or my own emotional issues getting in the way. I have so much intense emotions inside of me that no one gets to see, who I just want to reveal to my lover. So when I do find someone I like, I open up and let these emotions flow and it scares them away! Makes me feel like no one can handle me or them!

I need someone who can be a rock for me. An Earth type since I have so much Water and Earth and blah! I need someone who can be strong for me when I'm feeling weak, someone who is actually concerned about me, and loves me for who I am on the inside. I want to care for someone, show them they're my world.

My chart reveals that my life will be colored by Parent-Child themes. So I have to be a good parent to myself and everyone, and I have to find a partner who will be a good parent as well. Once I find him we can switch back and forth on the parent-child axis and have beautiful love.

Freedom is another thing you'll see me talk about alot. I talk about freedom, but I'm so bound to earthly things. Trying to find love has bounded my freedom because I have committed myself to the conquest. I wish all the time that I'll find him wherever he is at. Some days I feel like I'll run across him, but I don't. Some days I feel like what If I had him but let him pass me up or what If I saw him and didn't make a move. But thinking about that only makes it worse.

And that's another thing, I'm always the one to make the first move and I hate that! I want someone to make the first move sometimes! Take charge, be a man! So much fucking cardinal in my chart, I can't help but to be a leader. With a lot of Fixed as well, a bossy stubborn one at that! I need someone who knows when and how to take charge when need be. Mars/Juno in the 7H, I dominate. Aquarius Saturn, I need to be dominated. I need someone to keep me grounded, let me know when I'm just thinking foolishly. I hate being controlled though. I balk at that. I run.

So right now I have prospects in mind, a controlling Scorpio who doesn't think he is controlling, but he is. He knows he is, and I know he is. He doesn't fool me not one bit. After a month of dating we made it official. Then he tried to dominate all of my time. How can I miss you when you don't give me space? I need space. I love space, not too much space but just the right amount. He also gave me somewhat of a promise ring. He wanted me to move in with him already. Wanted to get married. See where I'm going? All of that leads to controlling me, and that's what I hate. That's what I try to get away from. So I ended it. Told him we need to have a solid foundation first so now we're friends. I hope I find someone else.

I'm also talking to an Aries. I met this Aries back in my freshman year of college. I knew he was gay, but he was still in the closet. He didn't fool me or my friends. Not too long ago I saw him on a dating website. I fucking hate dating websites, but that's the only way to meet guys since I live in a shitty state where everyone is either too gay to function or down low. Anyway, I saw him on the site and we started talking. Kind of a typical Aries with a hint of thoughtfulness, not that much but he tries. We'll see where it goes.

Thing is, nowadays gay guys are so vein that it's not a conversation unless you're talking about them. And they swear up and down no one can have a conversation, but when you talk to them it's pretty much flatline unless you start talking about them, asking them questions. Most times they never seem to care to reciprocate the same gestures. That's what gets on my nerves. I love all types of guys, I'm one for culture, but since I'm black it's hard for other cultures to get to like me. Especially since I'm not a "thug" or "gangster" which is a typical black stereotype that I do not fill at all. Sorry, I'm a nerd who's into art, mysticism, spiritualism and intellect. Whatever.

I'm just so tired of this shit. I want my love to find me. I want to end this conquest. I want to share my life with someone, and share theirs. I want the coexisting of two souls merging to form one. When will my time come?