New Years

As the end of the day comes, and I'm listening to Warpaint I'm reflecting on this year and hoping for a better future.

This past year was Pluto for me. A big revelation, a big transformation. So many changes that needed to be made have been made and are being made still as Saturn is transiting my 1H. I am thankful for life, my family, friends, and our old teacher Saturn. The Year of the Dragon treated this Monkey pretty good. So many things began this year and are taking place, flourishing.

I look back to the beginning of this year when I was in my dorms, smoking marijuana, practicing playing bass, living in Neptune land wanting to pursue my dream of moving to Los Angeles and finding a band. During that time I changed my sexual orientation again and proceeded to try to be "straight". So living in Neptune land, smoking Mary J, I had this big dream ever since I was a kid to be a rockstar and I was determined to make this happen since I was not really focused on school. So I barely went to classes, smoked and played bass telling myself I'd move to LA soon. Eventually the result of me not going to classes was a low gpa and getting kicked out of the dorms, put on academic probation. At that point I said fuck school, I got my tax refund and moved to LA, May 5th, and lived with my Aunt and Cousins.

While there I was immersed in the heart of LA. It was all that I dreamed of. I loved it. I smoked, I drank, lived life but I was still hiding myself and it made my anxiety high. I also started to get more in depth with my spiritual side and astrology. I had develop bad anxiety in college you see when I decided I was "straight", it was from trying to be a certain way and wondering everyone saw past my facade. So one day I was smoking in the morning with my cousin, the same month I moved there, and I couldn't take it. My anxiety kicked in and I was tripping out. I went to the restroom and had a huge panic attack and it resulted in me not being able to see. I told my cousin I couldn't see and to call the ambulance. I went to the emergency room. When I got there my cousin asked me was I gay, and I told her yeah. She asked is that why I was doing all this, I said I think so. I "queened" out. It was very dramatic in a quiet way, yes.

Ever since then I started coming out to my family, and truly living my life. I was starting to be happy with myself. I accepted who I was and lived. I started to get deeper into spirituality and astrology, actually looking in depth to my chart. I found my soul mates in LA, 2 guys of whom I'll never forget because they helped spark a change in me for the better. A Gemini whose birthday was only a month before mine exactly and a Pisces. I fell instantly in love with both, I miss both. I miss the Pisces guy way more. He showed me true romance and love. I left the same day we, Pisces and I, hung out together for the first time. I cried when I left him and when back in TX. He showed me love that in the smallest form can mean a thousand words.

When I came back things were different, I was more able to deal and find my way. I stumbled upon a great astrology blog by one of my favorite astrologists now, Elsa P. Great woman. She's now my astrologist and I got a consult from her and it's given me the keys for the near future.

I hope all goes will this year with the world and myself, my family, my friends, my future love. I hope 2013 is another great year, spiritually and this time materialistically.

Happy New Years

Happy New Years to the world on this glorious Leo Moon! From the bottom of my heart. I hope we all have a great 2013. There's a change in the air, and I hope it's a great one! Peace and Love to all my fellow inhabitants of the Earth. May good things all go in our favor. :)

Today Today Today

The Moon began it's first stages in Leo today. I worked, it was a very slow day. It was my first time working on a Sunday and obviously it's dead on Sunday's. So I was pretty much bored out of my fucking mind and thinking about everything. I even almost started crying thinking about love. I almost started crying twice. I had my own concert at work as well. The Moon in Leo was definitely a way to describe today, dramatic to say the least. That's pretty much what I did all day at work, play the piano and had concerts all around the building I mean dancing singing and everything. I even acted out some parts while exploring the building. When boredom strikes.

When it got closer to the time around that I was supposed to close, I invited a new friend I had meet to come over and keep me company basically. Interesting guy, gay, 23. I never asked him his sign or birthday or anything, but I knew he had to be a Scorpio, Leo or Virgo. It was something about his eyes. It was definitely his eyes. They were magnetic and different. And he had that Leonine look to him. I asked him did he have contacts on or was he high or what. It was just something about his damn eyes. They were magnetic, probey. He even did the probe squint. I know that squint all too well. So anyway we were talking and everything. He likes to talk, I like to talk. He asked for a tour and I gave him a tour. So right when I'm giving him a tour, my mom turns the corner. See, somehow I knew this would happen. I knew If he came, somehow my mom was going to come in the picture. Anyway she comes walking down the sidewalk, and while she's walking we get stopped by a photographer and she asks to take a picture of us. My mom walks by after the picture is done and asks her is the guy I'm giving a tour of an artist, she tells her she doesn't know. My friend, Tre, is obviously gay so I know my mom's mind was spinning in circles wondering if he was hitting on me or my boyfriend because I can't have a guy friend without someone assuming they're interested in me or if we're fooling around. Oh God, I'm rolling my eyes at this thought.

Anyway, I give him a tour and after the tour we go back to the main building. When we get to the main building, we start talking about a lot of subjects and we get on religion. Never fails. I asked him if he goes to church every weekend and we talk about church and he asks me do I go to church. I tell him I'm Muslim, but more spiritual. He never had a Muslim friend before and so we start talking about Islam, and different religions. We're sitting down, chopping it up, and my mom walks in and he says to me that he wants to ask her questions, but when she came back to our area. So we talk some more and he proceeds to tell me that not too long ago, a lady pushed a Muslim guy in front of a subway in New York because he was Muslim and she doesn't like Muslims.

WHAT THE FUCK.

How crazy is that? Just because you don't like that religion you end someone's life? Fucking crazy mate. She's in jail now and will spending a lot of time. She's a loon. A religious zealot. I can see if he was trying to bomb the suicide since Muslims are always associated with terrorism. Rolls eyes again. But he wasn't. There's actually nothing to justify that. She's just fucking crazy ya know? There's crazy people in the world.

Anyway, my mom comes back down. She works at my job too. She's been working there since I was 5 and I've been in the after school arts program there since I was 5. So she comes back down and I tell her Tre wants to talk to her about Islam. They start talking and he asks her questions and everything then she leaves. I tell him that the other day someone asked to pray for me. See my previous post Praying for Lost Souls. Well I tell him about this story and he tells me that people try to pray over him all the time, his family, the church. They pray over him to try to remove his homosexuality. He said he actually came back from getting prayed over today before he came over. The minister asked him to come to the stage and raise his hands and close his eyes, he did. Next thing you know the minister said, "I remove this homosexuality spirit from this man." My jaw dropped.

My jaw completely dropped and all I could say was WOW. All I could mouth were the words WOW. He did this in front of everyone. Tre said he was a little embarrassed, everyone in the church knew already but still so he left. He had to go, that was just too much for him. That would be too much for me. He said his family members do that to him as well, pull him over to the side and ask to pray for him. He said he says sure, but he doesn't need the "homosexual spirit" to get banned out of him because it is no spirit! He said he says thanks for praying, but he can pray for his damn self. He's funny.

Eventually we get on astrology because I just can't help myself to know what sign he is. It was something about his eyes. I ask him what's his sign, Leo or Virgo? He says no, look. He proceeded to show me a tattoo on his arm. It was Scorpio's symbol. ♏. I knew it right when I saw it. I told him I knew it, that's why I asked him about his eyes! He asked me more about my knowledge in astrology and I gladly tell him. I even did his chart. He's a Scorpio/Libra cusp. He asked what that meant and I told him. Come to find out he was a Leo ascendant, and a Leo Moon! I knew it he had some Leo, he had the Leonine look, the mouth, the face. I'm getting better at this.

We talk way past the time I close, and he walked with me while I closed down. He's a great conversationalist. You know Scorpio's can to the bottom of things, they can especially if they have someone to talk to who is as equally introspective and intelligent. He's a double major in Criminology and Psychology. Scorpio.

Last night something happened with another Scorpio, my neighbor, someone I grew up with who's 2 years younger than me. I went to his house to ask to borrow his ipod charger because my sister asked me too. I have Libra, I'm innately nice, sometimes, so I said okay. I knocked on the door, I hear rustling and he asks me who is it. I say my name, 5 seconds he opens the door...with briefs on. I look down, laugh and look away and he does a nervous laugh. I ask him what I came for, and we exchange a few words and then I leave. I couldn't help walking away feeling like that was a flirtatious past he did. See I know this dude is gay, it's obvious, and I grew up with him. He was always feminine. Anyway, I was going to offer this dude some guidance, be his mentor because I know the ropes somewhat and I'm still learning. I was going to give him my number and tell him that he can talk to me about anything, ANYTHING. You know. But after all that, I've been feeling a little iffy. So I asked Tre, a fellow Scorpio, would he have done that. I played the whole scenario out to him and asked him what did he think it was. He said that it can go either way, but still try to be his mentor. It's a good thing I'm trying to do so continue to try. I will. I feel that I have to.

We started talking about sexuality, and he told me something I've never heard from his psychology class. He told me a man can have sex with a man, but doesn't make him homosexual. That means he just likes to have sex with a man. I tried to debate this, he won. We both have Leo and Libra. He said sexual orientation is different from sexual preferences. He said he can have sex with a woman, but that doesn't make him straight. You're homosexual and heterosexual when you long to have an emotional connection with that gender. I thought this was very interesting.

We talk some more and eventually part ways. He's a very cool guy to have as a friend, I plan to spend more time with him. I see us become very close in the future. Today was a slow, insightful, interesting day.

My Chart

Here's an in depth look at my chart to get a better feel for me.

The most prominent formations you can see:
2 Grand Trines in Earth.
Stellium.
Fixed T-Square.
Kite Configuration.
Mystic Rectangle.

I'm still trying to figure it all out in my real life. I'm taking it day by day, but I don't let it rule my life. That's when things get crazy. Astrology is only a way to better understand yourself, and sort of a map to your life. But you are the explorer who's holding the map, remember that. You still have a way to take direction in your own life. Your map and God are the way to find your destiny.

Full Moon in Cancer

Tonight's the last night the Moon is in Cancer for this cycle. Did you enjoy it?

With the Moon in my Moon's Natal position, compared to yesterday when the Moon was full I felt like shit, but today was actually a pretty great day. I had deja vu today about that religious experience. So I feel like I'm actually on the right track. I'm still learning as is everyone in this thing called life, but I never take it for granted anymore. Life is for us to experience and enjoy, why not enjoy it? I'm glad I started this blog with the Moon in Cancer. It only felt right. I plan to write blogs everyday and soon video blogs on my feelings, thoughts as the planets transit through my chart, my life and as the Moon phases through the zodiac. Being a Moonchild, I have 12 moods that correspond to the Moon phases. The person who can handle that and stabilize me will be my saving grace. Moon in Cancer, see you until next time, my Mother.

Praying for Lost Souls

So today I was giving a tour to 3 women at my current gig job. I'm a docent, I give tours of the community and art exhibits. 1 woman was from South Africa, I'll call her Liz. 1 woman was from Bryan, I'll call her Jesse. 1 woman was from here, I'll call her Prisc. So these women came right around closing time and I told them I would give them a tour. What the hey, I'm about to close anyway. So I'm giving the tour, talking to them about the history and everything. They ask me my name, I tell them. Prisc proceeds to ask me where does my name come from and what does it mean. I tell her it's arabic for handsome and the one who puts things in order. She ask me do I have roots in arabic, I tell her my family is Muslim and I grew up muslim. She ask do I still believe. I tell her, I do believe but I'm becoming more shamanistic, more spiritual. We talk some more and I invite them to the art performance that's going on tonight about Black Jesus and the Devil. I tell them about the artist who's playing the psychologist and how she believes in Jesus but then turns around and goes to the Devil. While I explain this , I see Liz's face kind of light up and her mouth kind of go in a position to where she was itching to say something. But she didn't.

So after the tour is done, we're laughing, I tell them about the performance that's going down tonight in one of the houses, we reintroduce ourselves again. They ask me how to spell my name and everything, then they about to go. But before they go, Liz asks me can she pray for me so I can find my way. I tell her I do still believe in God and everything, but she insists on praying. I accept, and she takes my hand I close my eyes and she says something along the lines of "God please pray for this man as he journey along his path trying to find his way. Lord Jesus..." That's all I can remember for the most part. Afterwards I told my friend what happened and he told me "be careful who you allow to pray for you...Even the devil was an angel once.. Sad but true my friend." And that really got me thinking, is that true?

Things like that are not new to me at all. Growing up muslim and working at jobs where I deal with the public(Leo Merc/Chiron in the Midheaven), I'm always put in these situations. Somehow we get on the subject on religion because of my name, my beliefs or just something and someone always ending up praying for me. This has never failed. 9H stellium, I can't get away from it.

Most people don't understand other religions so when you tell them you're a different religion from, they feel you're lost. Most people, for lack of better words, are ignorant to other religions so they feel theirs is the best way and do all the can to convince you of this. If you are still not swayed, then you're just lost and won't be saved. Whatever. I have never been one to have been swayed of my beliefs only if I sway myself. Despite how many times I have people pray over me, I have never let them sway me.

One time when I was a teenager, 17, at work a group from the local church came in my job. I was always put in the front because that's where I worked best. Anyway, they came in and I don't know how we got on the subject of religion it just always happens like that. I think they asked us to come visit their sermon that night, they asked my religion, I told them I was Muslim and I don't know how it lead to it but again, it always does, they asked to pray for me. It was +10 people praying for me in a circle, I went along because I always do. I always let people pray for me. Prayer is a powerful thing. But I still had my same beliefs at the end of the day.

In college I was walking to my friends dorm from my dorm, next thing you know this guy stops to talk to me and ask me have I found Jesus. This guy, I think, was the minister at the college's church group at the religious center which my dorm was directly across from. Me, with my beliefs, I told him I was Muslim. After I told him that, I could not shake this guy. I told this guy I had to leave so many times but he insisted on talking to me. It was like being harassed. He talked to me for pretty much an hour and we were going back and forth. Before I left though, he told me at night before I go to sleep pray to Jesus and ask him to show himself. If I see him then that's my answer. He's real. If I don't then I go on about my business. Well curiously that night I tried this and he didn't show up. So a month or so pass and I run across the guy again, and he's with a girl this time. He asks me did I see him and I say no. We talk a little more, he invited me to come to a sermon that night. After that I never saw the guy again.

Next year, semester, whatever, some guys were stopping people doing surveys. Of course it was on religion, of course they called me over, of course I don't deny an experience or a chance to chat, Leo Merc-ing it up. So I sat down with them and they asked me did I believe in Jesus and I explained my views. He asked me questions, and I gladly answered.

Jehovah's Witness knock on my door all the time. I talk to them too.

My father is an Imaam, a Muslim preacher, so I had certain religious views installed in me. Even though I am branching off on my own, I still believe in them still recall on them. 9H stellium again. So I'm always up to explain my different views. I'm always up for a religious debate even when I don't feel like it. It's innate.

I ultimately feel like every religion is the pretty much the same, so I never got the division. Yes we have our different beliefs on how to get there, but we all believe in some form of God don't we? Heaven, Hell, the Devil don't we? As it all boils down to it, we all believe and have the same destiny pretty much. Others karmas might not get them to certain places, but we're all on this Earth searching for the truth. I believe religion is a form of division. Different groups believing in the same thing, but slightly different coming together to vibe off this idea and rise together. There's always going to be division in this world, it's inevitable.

I plan to travel the world when I get older and get into theology more. I want to learn about different cultures and religions. One of my passions, dreams, so innate.

When my sister was first diagnosed with cervical cancer, she had to go to the emergency room. She was in immense pain and I accompanied her. She was given a wheelchair when we arrived and I had to explain what was going on. She was like in immense pain, it scared everyone. After explaining what was happening to the people at the desk, I went back to my sister. When I went to her she told me this lady passed by her and asked to pray for her. My sister said she actually felt a little better when the lady finished, she was very thankful. Someone actually prayed over her, and left. I never even got a chance to see this woman.

Prayer is powerful.

Finding Love

You'll come to know that finding love is a big part of my life. I'm A Libra Ascendant  with Scorpio on the cusp, a 9H Cancer Stellium(Sun/Moon/Venus), Juno in Taurus Conjunct Mars. So yeah love is very important to me. Funny thing is I can't seem to find it! I just want a partner(asc/juno) that I can journey(9H stellium) on this life with. I just can't seem to find the right guy. And no matter how hard I try, he just doesn't come. I only attract guys who are bad for me, and run off guys who will probably be good for me.

Every time I try to get something going it just never happens. My Uranus(9Hstellium opposing) get's in the way and prevents people from getting close to me. I always run across guys who I have to be the parent with and never get the same reciprocation back. I talk about love so much, and give others advice on love but honestly I never really experienced it myself. How come? Because I'm scared of the shit! I'm scared of getting hurt and dealing with heartbreak. I've dealt with it before but it was in a long distance relationship. Now imagine if I were to really have a real relationship and I end up getting hurt...it would be hell. And that's what I'm afraid. When I find someone I want him to be mines forever, my soulmate. I want to spend my life with him and only him. Journey across the world together, grow up together, experience things together, love each other, care for each other. The works.

I hope I don't sound conceited when I say this, but I can attract people to me. The problems with either them not being what I'm looking for, the being really bad for me, or my own emotional issues getting in the way. I have so much intense emotions inside of me that no one gets to see, who I just want to reveal to my lover. So when I do find someone I like, I open up and let these emotions flow and it scares them away! Makes me feel like no one can handle me or them!

I need someone who can be a rock for me. An Earth type since I have so much Water and Earth and blah! I need someone who can be strong for me when I'm feeling weak, someone who is actually concerned about me, and loves me for who I am on the inside. I want to care for someone, show them they're my world.

My chart reveals that my life will be colored by Parent-Child themes. So I have to be a good parent to myself and everyone, and I have to find a partner who will be a good parent as well. Once I find him we can switch back and forth on the parent-child axis and have beautiful love.

Freedom is another thing you'll see me talk about alot. I talk about freedom, but I'm so bound to earthly things. Trying to find love has bounded my freedom because I have committed myself to the conquest. I wish all the time that I'll find him wherever he is at. Some days I feel like I'll run across him, but I don't. Some days I feel like what If I had him but let him pass me up or what If I saw him and didn't make a move. But thinking about that only makes it worse.

And that's another thing, I'm always the one to make the first move and I hate that! I want someone to make the first move sometimes! Take charge, be a man! So much fucking cardinal in my chart, I can't help but to be a leader. With a lot of Fixed as well, a bossy stubborn one at that! I need someone who knows when and how to take charge when need be. Mars/Juno in the 7H, I dominate. Aquarius Saturn, I need to be dominated. I need someone to keep me grounded, let me know when I'm just thinking foolishly. I hate being controlled though. I balk at that. I run.

So right now I have prospects in mind, a controlling Scorpio who doesn't think he is controlling, but he is. He knows he is, and I know he is. He doesn't fool me not one bit. After a month of dating we made it official. Then he tried to dominate all of my time. How can I miss you when you don't give me space? I need space. I love space, not too much space but just the right amount. He also gave me somewhat of a promise ring. He wanted me to move in with him already. Wanted to get married. See where I'm going? All of that leads to controlling me, and that's what I hate. That's what I try to get away from. So I ended it. Told him we need to have a solid foundation first so now we're friends. I hope I find someone else.

I'm also talking to an Aries. I met this Aries back in my freshman year of college. I knew he was gay, but he was still in the closet. He didn't fool me or my friends. Not too long ago I saw him on a dating website. I fucking hate dating websites, but that's the only way to meet guys since I live in a shitty state where everyone is either too gay to function or down low. Anyway, I saw him on the site and we started talking. Kind of a typical Aries with a hint of thoughtfulness, not that much but he tries. We'll see where it goes.

Thing is, nowadays gay guys are so vein that it's not a conversation unless you're talking about them. And they swear up and down no one can have a conversation, but when you talk to them it's pretty much flatline unless you start talking about them, asking them questions. Most times they never seem to care to reciprocate the same gestures. That's what gets on my nerves. I love all types of guys, I'm one for culture, but since I'm black it's hard for other cultures to get to like me. Especially since I'm not a "thug" or "gangster" which is a typical black stereotype that I do not fill at all. Sorry, I'm a nerd who's into art, mysticism, spiritualism and intellect. Whatever.

I'm just so tired of this shit. I want my love to find me. I want to end this conquest. I want to share my life with someone, and share theirs. I want the coexisting of two souls merging to form one. When will my time come?