Life is never promised or granted and can be taken away in an instant. Tomorrow. Next week. 2 years from now. I know this, we all know this. It's becoming more evident with Saturn in Scorpio. Death happens everyday, yes, but with Saturn in Scorpio it's hitting closer to home. I'm used to this as many people I know, friends, family members, acquaintances, even people I don't know but have saw, pass in my life. I'm used to death and I'm not afraid. Not just the dying of life, but also, of old habits, toxic things in us and in our environment. Saturn is now removing all of this (Scorpio), it just so happens the people we know are leaving us in the process.
Recently, a few people I have known pretty much all my life have died very suddenly (Uranus). Same for other people I know and have heard. It's all hitting closer and closer. It's very sad. A few years ago my sister, a Mega Leo, was diagnosed with cervical cancer at the age of 27. When she found out it was a very severe case and she had to get intensive chemotherapy and radiation to remove it. If she hadn't found out when she did, she would not be here today. I spent my whole summer devoting my time to making sure she was okay and staying in the hospital with her. Her shine was dimming and she became very depressed. I was there to witness all of this and be there for her whenever I could. It was a really emotional, scary, hard time for all of us but she was able to make it through. After she was done and made a recovery, she moved to LA and made the decision to live her life the way she saw fit regardless of what anyone thought. Well, the way she wanted to live wasn't very suited for a life to live. So everyone thought, me included. We thought that she should be doing something else with her life other than what she was doing because she was given a second chance. But it's her life, you know? I moved to LA some time after and was able to witness everything, and yeah, she was not living healthy and even though she was living her life, it was taking a toll.
After some time I moved back home and then she followed suit. She came back to get a checkup. She had been having problems with her bowels and whatnot. Everyone was convincing her to come back and get checked up in case it was something, but at first she wasn't listening. She was ignoring it and putting it off as long as she could hoping that she didn't have to face the problem (Neptune). But she had to. She came back home and found out that her cancer is back(Saturn in Scorpio). She was faced with choices: either get surgery to remove it, get chemo, or don't do anything at all and risk it spreading. If she gets surgery they will have to remove her liver, intestines, and vagina. She will have to have to wear two colostomy bags and will have to pass bowel movements through her belly button. She will not be able to have sex either. She already can't have kids because they had to take her lymph nodes out when she first got surgery for cancer. All this can take a toll on someone. Especially someone who is now 31 and still young. And it can take a toll on their family.
She had time to make her decision. During that time she has been going the herbal route and spiritual route to fighting the cancer. She heard how my stepmom who recently had breast cancer, has been taking these herbal pills and have been feeling loads better than when she was doing chemo and radiation. She decided to do this and also has been meeting up with a herbal doctor drinking elixers and mixes and doing meditation with him. She's glowing and finding happiness within herself during these hard times(Saturn). A few days ago she had to make the decision. She chose not to get the surgery and the doctor told her that she will have 2 years to live. When she told me this I couldn't help but break down. I have been trying to be so strong for her and everyone, but that hit me. It struck my heart and soul. I couldn't help my emotions(Moon). I have Cancer, goddamit. I cried at the thought of losing my sister. Someone who I've grown up with my whole life. Yeah, I've seen death, but it never hit THIS close to home. And that's just hitting too fucking close. For the past few days, everytime I think about the thought of that it would instantly cause me to tear up or cry. But as I have been finally able to open up to people and tell them about the struggle, it has gotten better. I feel supported and loved. Strength. Strength for my family. For me. For my sister who needs it the most.
You know, I've been thinking for so long during these hard times(Saturn) that I just wish I had someone special to talk to. That special person that can hold me while I'm telling them about my worries about this and be able to support me. That special person I can talk to when I feel my back is against the wall. Someone to love me for me and give me strength during these hard times while I'm being strong for everyone else. My Libra and Cancer wants this. But I'm realizing now that I don't need it to feel supported. I did a reading for myself the other day and I pulled a card, I can't remember, but the card said to accept help whenever I can. To just accept it and allow it in my life. I have my friends for this and anyone who is willing to lend a sympathetic ear. Talking to my friends and other people about my struggle has truly given me strength, support and courage to face this with my sister and family as we kick ass. And I'm so thankful for it. Love will find me when it's time.
I'm so proud of my sister for making the decision she has made. From your point of view it may not be logical or it may be the same decision you choose. But I'm proud she's following her heart and choosing for herself. When she first found out she had cancer, she didn't have a choice. She had to. Now she has a choice. She's going to face this (Scorpio) and hopefully live to tell the story (Saturn). She doesn't want the surgery because she doesn't want to suffer. She feels she has suffered enough and having all of that at a young age, she wouldn't be able to do the things she wants to do. She would rather suffer and be happy than suffer and be depressed. She has faith that it'll go away by God's will and the universe. Let's face it, doctor's aren't always right. They can't always play God and expect results because it just doesn't happen that way. They are not God. They are only here to help cure if they can. If she got surgery there would be a 50% of her living, so it's like what's the point anyway? She's planning to make the most out of her life now on and be happy, living every moment to the fullest because the future isn't promised and she knows this, she realizes this. She may only have 2 years to live. I love my sister. I support her in her decision and I'm just glad she's finally finding happiness through this rough tumultuous time. As long as she's happy and living right now. That's all that matters is the right now. Right now she just wants to be the best daughter, sister, cousin, aunt, friend that she can be.
I've never really fully understood or grasped the concept of living life in the moment until now. I was always susceptible to stress of the future and what I don't have. Always worrying and down about not having what I want. Now I'm saying fuck that. I can't be down about every little thing, I can only improve to make things better. It may be little by little, but at least gradually things will get better. There's bigger things in life to worry about and my sister proves that. You can't stress about the small shit, ya know? That's not living. That's worrying, being pessimistic. I choose to be optimistic. I choose to live my life the way I see fit. I'm still young. This is my time to make mistakes and even though I feel like an old soul, I have to remind my self to relax and that I'm still young. I'm only fucking 20! My life is not going to be perfect right now and it probably won't ever be, but as long as I'm happy and living, that's all that should matter. So, fuck it. I'll sleep on the couch just so my sister can have a bed to sleep on. I'm going to explore and adventure. I'm going to love hard and wear my heart on my sleeve because that's just who I am. I'm going to do what I want to do and say what I want to say because I'm real. I'm finding myself out right now and I'm loving every part, even the dark parts. You have to expose the dark parts to shed light on them. I'm going to be the best I can be and always be on pursuit of my destiny. I'm going to give back to the community and help people journey through this life. I hope to touch someone's life and be a catalyst to the change they need to make. I see the best in humanity. I'm going to do all of this because this is my life and I'm going to live it. I'm not afraid of death, no, what I'm afraid of is not doing something positive and not leaving a positive mark in this world. Not living the life I'm meant to live and not changing myself and others for the better in the process. That's what I'm afraid of.
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